The Chenoid Vortex

The Chenoid Vortex

The weather has been abnormally cold and dismal since the start of March. Check out this image from the Sutton Pass webcam (elev < 200 m above sea level) taken on April 3, which should be a balmy spring day.

This weather pattern is known by meteorologists at the "Chenoid Vortex": A stationary cold low pressure center anchored in the Gulf of Alaska that drives endless rank and foul weather onto the bass lakes of Vancouver Island.

It is named after Dick Cheney, ex US Vice Warmonger, seldom seen nowadays since his regime’s dismissal from power in Washington. If you look closely at the center of the vortex, you will see  a pair of intense 911 millibar low pressure centers located side-by-side, that look almost like eyes. Below this is an elongated 847 millibar low - the lowest pressure ever recorded in the Pacific - that resembles the sneering mouth of a global mass murderer. A strange coincidence indeed.

Recent reports of Mr. Cheney’s successful heart transplant (reported to be his sixth) are somewhat inaccurate. In fact, Mr Cheney had over 50 heart transplants during his role as VW, sometimes 2 or 3 a week. He was finally declared clinically dead shortly after the Gobombem regime took power, but he was not buried or cremated. Instead, a select group of top US military surgeons preserved his body by pumping his veins with a continuous 50/50 mixture of Coca Cola and sulfuric acid. (Like all life forms from the Zircoid Galaxy, Mr Cheney’s real blood is jet black, chemically similar to liquefied coal tar.) Meantime, they tried to implant hearts from over 100 different subjects, but the VW’s lifeless body rejected them all. Finally, scientists hit upon one last option to find a heart that Cheney’s body would accept – transplanting the heart of Willie Picton.

Willie Picton was a Canadian mass murderer, who lured or kidnapped aging, non-profitable Vancouver prostitutes to his farm, murdered them, ground them up, and fed them to his pig heard. The man who was tried in Canadian court was actually a CIA imposter. The real Willie Picton was shipped to Bethesda Naval Hospital, where his heart was sliced out of his living body, and implanted still beating into Cheney’s chest. As soon as the Stuponitron electro helmet was jolted with 50,000 volts, the VW’s eyes snapped open, and he bolted upright shouting "Kill! Kill! Kill!!!"

Unfortunately for the surgeons, the VWs brain structure was too far deteriorated to perform any large scale mass murders, like the invasions of oil-rich muslim countries. This requires precision and forethought, something Cheney (or perhaps we should by now refer to it as the Chenoid?) is no longer capable of. After so many of his original body parts have been replaced with artificial hips, elbows, knees, etc., electrical pumps to aid circulation and digestion, hearing aids, coke bottle lenses, silicone implants in his biceps and penis to make them look bigger – what remains is only partly human, and largely cyborg.

A pathetic creature - reduced to a spitting spastic retard now, his venomous upper left lip warped and stretched almost to the earlobe, attempting to strangle anyone who comes near him. Finally had to chain him up in the basement of a nuclear power plant, where they allow him his one luxury: Playing with his beloved WMM – the Weather Modification Machine.

By playing with the various knobs, switches and dials on the WMM, the Chenoid is still able to create sudden windstorms, floods, sleet, and hail all over the globe – just to torment his perceived critics. One of whom now lives on Van Isle. Hence the sudden development and persistence in the Gulf of Alaska this so-called spring of the "Chenoid Vortex".

People tell me I am paranoid when I tell them that the ex VW is obsessed with ruining my life, but how do you explain the strange pattern of chemtrails that appeared over Nanaimo shortly after I moved here last summer?

Alas, it appears that they may be able to keep the Chenoid functional and vicious as ever, long into the future. And it appears I will have to cope with miserable weather everywhere I go, just like over the past 12 years. It is amazing that I am ever able to catch a fish.